Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Monday, January 25, 2016

A Cozy Winter House {my secret to beating the winter blues}

Well y'all, it's no secret around here that I've fought depression for more years than I'd like to remember. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, until last year that is. Winters were the worst, absolute nightmares. By March, I'd be hiding in bed under the blankets in tears, not kidding a bit, it was awful. But last winter was different for the first time ever and I'm going to share with you why.


Planning. I gave my problem tons of thought and as crazy as it sounds I started a board on Pinterest all about winter. I perused hundreds of images, I'm a very visual person don't ya know, so I went over tons of pics and pinned every one that was soothing and comforting. I pinned every one that made me feel all warm and cozy. When Christmas was over and all cleared away, I put my winter plan into action. Rather than dreading the season, I was thrilled, practically giddy.

I let as much light into the house as possible, and even removed some curtains completely. I bought tons of jar candles {really cheap at Target and Walmart}. I made sure that I had lots of blankets and throws in the living room, I did anything and everything that evoked cozy thoughts. 

Luckily, we have a cast iron stove and having a fire everyday was a big help with getting my cozy vibe on. This winter, I added a cowhide rug to the living room which amped up the cozy big time. I've wanted one for years but it just wasn't a good time to purchase it for one reason or another, until now. I'm so in love! I know the hide trend is probably on it's way out the door, but, I'm always a little late to the party and that's okay with me. You? Well then, we're all good! I also bought a little string of dangling star lights and hung them over our kitchen window {saw that on Pinterest too!}. They may be cheesy, but they make me smile and smiling is great!

As crazy as it sounds, all this planning stuff worked out for me last winter so, this year when Christmas was all cleared, I began my new winter time routine. Tons of cozy. If you'd like to get your cozy on this winter and would like a little inspiration, check out my Pinterest board that started it all......

Thanks for touring my cozy winter house today! If you're wondering why no pics of the kid's rooms, they are both in the works.... still. More to come on that, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, slow change around here y'all, slow change! Until next time sweet friends......

Sharing At:   Cozy Little House    Savvy Southern Style   Thoughts From Alice   Tatertots And Jello

Friday, October 23, 2015

In The Quiet

My mind has already begun drifting to thoughts of the quiet season {you know, w-i-n-t-e-r, shhhhhh}. I never know how my mind will react to that looooong, cold stretch. Sometimes I find myself in a season of darkness that seems impossible to shake, other times, like last winter, smooth sailing. Last year I made lots of plans that I truly believe helped keep my spirits lifted. Our home fully reflected a calm and cozy winter, and I was honestly sad to see winter go. There was lots of baking, candles, blankets all around, we traveled a little, it was heavenly.

I'm gearing up again mentally and mulling over some ideas to make winter bright for our family. If you happen to suffer from depression from time to time, bless you, you're in my prayers and if you know someone that does, the smallest gestures of kindness are truly a life-line. 

Planning ahead last winter was a life-saver, so, I'm planning away friends!

Monday, October 5, 2015

In The Raw

That's a catchy title right? Last Monday, I shared about my weight loss journey and quest for better health. Did you miss that? Catch up here. But there's more to that story, so much more. I mentioned that My Crohn's was in remission, that I'm no longer on any meds, and that my migraines are totally gone.

But, you know, there's other stuff, stuff that I'm not satisfied with. I'm so stiff all over my body and it's so doggone uncomfortable, plus joint stiffness, especially in my hands. I'm having way too much moodiness, and there's always that depression that I've fought for so many years.

I'm ready to dive deeper, I believe without any doubts that God's food heals. 

I believe in the power of food, goodness, my life has changed so much in the last few months all  because of food, but I'm ready to journey to the next level. I'm curious how much can I heal with even further changes in my diet. I'm beyond confident that food will heal.  Beyond confident. 

So what's next? Juicing. Eating raw is the healthiest and fastest way to fill my body with fruits and veggies in their raw state, translated, no vitamin loss. My body seriously needed a detox and then I have to learn to incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my lifestyle, into my every day

I desire a better quality of life and I believe without any doubts that God has provided me all the tools I need to accomplish this. No doubt. 

Last week, I began ten days of juicing and/or eating only fruits and veggies {90% juicing}. This is day nine. Has it been challenging? Oh my dear, yes! The first three days were definitely the hardest. Nausea, tiredness, foggy, yep, oh honey, it was awful. But, it got better, boocoodles better and I even have more energy, and energy is an awesome thing! My mind is clearing, and dare I say it, I feel happy and more mentally balanced, for you, that may mean little, but for me, whoa! On the sixth day, the stiffness in my body showed a slight change, but it's a change, and I'll totally take that. The joint pain is improving as well. And a beautiful side-effect, weight loss, not to mention clear glowing skin, and I'm only on day nine of eating raw. I plan to continue well past my ten planned days. Diving deeper y'all. 

It's real friends. I'm living proof. Food heals. I finally came to that place, that place where you get tired of seeing other people that are no doubt eating clean. You know the ones, healthy size, glowing skin, energetic, I finally came to the place where I really wanted all that. To quote a famous movie line, I got to the place where I wanted to shout, 'I'll have what she's having'! 

Any questions or comments? I'd love to hear from y'all!

Monday, June 8, 2015

A Personal Victory {yesssssssss!}

This week I'm celebrating a little personal victory, it may seem tiny to some, but to me it's huge. I feel good, really good, f-i-n-a-l-l-y. I know it may sound ridiculous to some that have never known this darkness, but for those of you that have experienced depression on any level, you'll totally understand why I'm so unbelievably joy-filled. 

Sometimes, when I'm in darker times, I try really hard not to look at the future because some little part of me is always afraid that the darkness may never leave, that I may be stuck in that rabbit hole forever, like when you were little and you'd make the ugliest face ever and someone would say, "you'd better watch out, your face may get stuck like that". That's how the darkness feels sometimes, like I might just get stuck like that.

Many changes have taken place in me over the last few weeks, all awesomely amazing and I'm beyond grateful for each and every one. I'll be writing about them soon, but for now, I'm living,  and enjoying every moment of every new day. I'm breathing in deeply, and viewing the world with new eyes. I'll probably be a little scarce this week around here, but, no worries, it's all good over here, really, really good, really, really, really good!  I have so much catching up to do!

Matthew 7:7-8 (KJV)  Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:  For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Nothing And Everything

Blogging can be a whole bunch of pressure if allowed to be. It quite honestly can take over my every day. Before I began blogging, I really never gave it any thought. I would spend my evenings perusing some of my favorite blogs and I'd gather inspiration from one, and add a new recipe to my Pinterest board from another, and then learn a new painting technique from yet another. I never really gave any of it much thought, how much time these women were putting into making these posts for my entertainment and growth, and many of them, get little to no pay for all their time and effort. They do it because they enjoy it. Then, a year ago, I joined the many thousands of women bloggers. Those crazy women that actually enjoy sharing and inspiring and teaching and growing other women for no other reason than the fact that it just feels right. It is their calling

I love having this little space to write about the real, and painful and inspiring parts of my everyday life. During this depression season of mine, it has been really hard to keep writing at times. Sometimes on Sunday, I sit there staring at my keyboard with no thoughts flowing at all, not a single one. I allow myself to be afraid and worry that maybe, that's it, maybe I have nothing left to say. But when that desperation arrives, He always whispers something inside of me at just the right moment and my thoughts begin to race faster than I can write them all down. 

So this is a post about nothing and everything. It's a post about how sometimes I am empty, then He inspires me and refills me. It's about how grateful I am that I have you all in my life when I need you most. When you comment on a post, it does matter, hugely. I do read EVERY single one and I do smile EVERY time I see a new comment in my Inbox because it lets me know that I'm not alone and that you do care. So thank you, each and every one of you. You have all made such an impact in my life. I wish I could just hug each of you {that's not too creepy, is it?}

Have a blessed weekend y'all!

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Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Therapy In The Dressing Room

I found myself in the dressing room waiting as patiently as one can on a teenager. I tagged along to make sure the hemline was to the knee. One stall over, a woman carrying on a conversation with someone in the next stall. As I waited there, I realized it was another mother-daughter duo. Then I could hear them shouting to another woman across the way. Another daughter, trying on outfits two stalls over. Their voices were all giddy with excitement and I could see outfit after outfit hitting the floor in a tangled jumble. As one model emerged, the other two would run out to catch a glimpse of the outfit. They would ooooooh and aaaaaah and compare which was more flattering. None of this is so unusual, it's why dressing rooms were born, but you see, I have an issue with my size, and they were not a size six, not even a size twelve, yet they were happy with what they saw in the mirror. They were happy with themselves right where they were at this very moment. I stood there in awe of their joy and confused at why I rarely ever try anything on at the store. When I do make the mistake of trying on, it turns into judgement day. Where did I go. Where is my size six.

As I was still waiting, teen girls take their sweet time don't you know, out of another stall pops a lady, mid sixties, tan and so tiny, she's thrilled with a handkerchief hem skirt and is twirling around like a little girl. "Perfect for the beach" she says. She came out of her room with the smaller mirror to catch a glimpse in the larger three way mirror. I notice she's wearing a wig, cancer maybe, but she's so happy and joy-filled and twirling and twirling.  

Therapy and God are all around us every day. You don't really have to look for it, you just have to pray to change and He will provide the path in the most unexpected places at the most unexpected times. I wasn't looking to be challenged in a dressing room, but yet I was. I'm still pondering all of it and that's just as it should be. I'll just leave it at that. 

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Saturday, March 28, 2015

And The Fog Rolls Out

As it always happens, I finally had a little breakthrough and my depression fog lifted slightly. Our girls were at a local arts class they attend weekly and it was just Matthew and I. I must confess, after dropping off the girls, I really didn't want to go back home. It's seriously been a mess around here for awhile and even with the hubby and kids pitching in tons, it still needed a mama's love. We've been kind of stalled lately, dang depression. So I began to talk to myself inside my head and I said, 'it's time to put your big girl panties on and go straight home and do some cleaning......... you can do this'. You give yourself pep talks inside your head too, right???? So I did. I drove home and looked around........ oh boy, where in the world to start, everything has been so neglected for so long. I decided that I would only tackle the dining room and kitchen area. So much dust everywhere and the stove was a mess, quite overwhelming honestly. Now, here's where the story gets a little weird. I decided to clean the dining table first. The night before it had been ground zero for an art project, picture tons of sand and paint, don't we have a craft room, oh well, I digress. As I cleared off the table and began to scrub the wood, searching for the luster it had just a month before, I began crying, then all out bawling. It had been so long since I had cleaned anything, so long since my hands had touched a cleaning cloth, that it was overwhelming and weirdly cathartic all at the same time. The more I scrubbed the more I cried. 

That was Tuesday, and little by little, each day I conquered another little neglected area until at long last, I'm done. Completely done. So that's how it happens for me, gradually the fog lifts and loosens it's grip on my soul, and life as I knew it slowly returns. 
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
                                                                                                                    Romans 5: 3-5

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Monday, March 23, 2015

Warts And All {embracing imperfection}

I struggle to find a balance between perfection and imperfection. Do you sometimes too? Do you not have friends over because your house isn't clean enough or because you don't like the peeling wallpaper in the guest bathroom or the chewed up table leg {curses on your dog}. What would people think? Would they leave your house murmuring and mumbling about 'why in the world would she invite us over before tidying up that mess?'. You promise yourself that as soon as you get new wallpaper or repair that table leg or scrub those floors, that then, then, you'll have people over.

I come to you several times a week and talk about all kinds of stuff, lots of intentional living stuff, embracing stuff, living in the moment stuff, hospitality stuff, but you know what, I struggle too. I feel like I can't have folks come over and hang out because, it's not all clean enough. Whoa. That's hypocritical.

When I'm in this depression season of mine, life as I know it comes to a screeching halt. I'm sitting amongst a jar filled with valentine's candy, and a chalkboard that says, 'In the meadow we can build a snowman', not an Easter bunny or daffodil in sight. So I go into lock-down. No one's coming over until I get things back on track, translation, p-e-r-f-e-c-t. Really????? That's ridiculous. You know what that means? It means that I think very little of my friends. It means that I don't have any value for myself either. It means that I think they are only coming over for some type of 'sensory experience', only coming to oooooh and ahhhhh at my seasonal change-ups and to marvel at my cleaning skills. 

That's not intentional living, that's not living at all. If you find yourself right where I am, embrace imperfection. How quickly I forget, it's only March and I hardly remember my word for the year, EMBRACE.  Love on people right where you are and  right where they are. I can totally promise you that if they come over in the midst of your mess and love you, they are true friends, if they are murmuring on their way out the door, you might want to re-evaluate that friendship.

So all these photos...... real life, right now, sometimes messy, sometimes dysfunctional, totally imperfect, just like me. And in case you are wondering, I am having friends over this week in the midst of it all, it's me, it's my life right now, and I know that my friends love me and all my imperfections, it's way past time for me to trust and love them too. I'm learning to embrace imperfection,  care to join me?

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

And Joy Comes In The Morning

I cannot even begin to tell y'all how full my heart is right now. After Monday's post on my depression journey, I'm overwhelmed by all the support from so many of y'all. I know that there are many folks that struggle just like me and it breaks my heart. So many of you mentioned, "and joy comes in the morning", and I kept playing it over and over in my mind. It's so true. God is faithful and has promised us 'new mornings'.

Today, I'm moving on as best I can and giving y'all a little peek into some of the things in my life right now that are my saving grace. 

I'm an animal person, always have been, an urban farm-girl at heart. I haven't talked about my chickens in a great while and some of you new friends may not know that we have quite a few free rangers over here, not to mention lots of cats, dogs and cows. 

Now that the days are warmer, I spend the evenings outside crawling around on the ground taking pictures of these little critters that bring me such joy. Thank you Lord for the critters. 

It's quite a funny farm over here, but I love it, fills me with so much happiness. Today I'm wishing y'all a joy-filled day and so many thanks for all the love.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Here I Go Again {my depression journey}

Last week, I announced this little blogs one year anniversary and I got so many wonderful comments from y'all. Someone asked about my depression journey and since I'm currently struggling with that, I thought I'd answer that question today.

If you've been around here for a while, you know that I struggle with depression. It is always there, but sometimes I overcome, sometimes not. I know that there are lots of you out there that will totally get where I'm coming from, I know that I'm not alone. I suffer seasonally also, the worst being in the winter. Even though I planned and planned starting way back last fall, how to actively derail my winter depression, the beast still arrived. I am hugely grateful that it showed up late this year. I noticed about four weeks ago, that something was changing inside of me and that I felt heavy and not so joy-filled any more. It's subtle, each day a little darker than the one before, the struggle harder each day to fake that you're okay to family and friends. Finally, the struggle is too great, and there's no way to hide it.

So what do my days look like? Stagnate. All desire to refresh our home- gone. It's still full on winter here and will be until this fog  lifts. I go into survival mode, only doing enough laundry so we're not roaming the streets naked, cooking sad, barely passable meals {not even sure you can call them meals}, no  baking to speak of, as little cleaning as I can get by with. Life as I know it, vanishes

I'm so grateful to have daughters that are so capable and can pitch in and fill in the gaps. They can both cook and bake and clean and help out with laundry, such a gift. I'm grateful for friends that meet me right where I am, right in the middle of my mess. They invite me out, somewhere, anywhere, and it really helps to get out of the house because this house is a constant reminder that somethings not right. Y'all , it's kind of a mess around here and getting out is such a good thing for me and these kiddos. It's so comforting to be loved by others, it really is.

So life looks hugely different right now, but it's okay. I know that this is only a season, and in this season of survival mode, my eyes are opened to what is really necessary and what's most important. Without all the busyness of fluffing this nest, crafting away and entertaining others, I can be quiet and prayerful, meditative, enjoy long walks, those things that often fall by the wayside in regular times. Spending more time without distractions with my kids is another perk. Yes, even in darkness, there are perks. My focus shifts during depression but that's not necessarily a bad thing, for there's a season for all things

I guess I'm learning to be grateful in the midst of the darkness. So life looks different, does it matter, not really. It's just different. So our house isn't picture perfect, big whoop, so we eat lots of scrambled eggs and toast, for  dinner,  so I'm wearing dirty socks and haven't changed the sheets on our bed in like 
f-o-r-e-v-e-r, so I wear mostly yoga pants {aka, glorified pajama bottoms} everywhere I go, does it really matter, nope, I don't think it does. 

The good news is, I think I'm making my way toward the end, I can feel little moments of joy peeking through, little bursts of happiness. It'll be gone soon, whew! And in case you're wondering what these pictures have to do with my depression, absolutely nothing, these are just a few of the things that are making me smile right now, so I thought they fit in nicely. 

Bless your heart if you suffer too, you're not alone. Is your house a mess? Are you eating grits for dinner every night while wearing dirty socks? Welcome friend, welcome, this is a place of understanding. 

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Monday, January 5, 2015


That's it. That's my word. Embrace.  Do y'all have a word for 2015 yet? I've spent years reading other blogs and all the women with their 'word' for the year- I've yet to join the trend. A secret about me- I'm always late. Appointments, self imposed deadlines, trends- always late. With trends, I'm a bit slow to warm to new ideas. I have to 'sit' with a thought or new decor idea for a while before I decide to jump on the bandwagon. So, this year, 2015,  I'm joining the 'word of the year' trend- better late than never I suppose.

Why now? Well, this winter I REALLY need this word. Dreary winters always take such a toll on me mentally, so last fall, I began to think of a new way of approaching this winter before it takes a hold of me and pulls me under. Embrace. That word is a big part of my change in perspective. That word is helping me see this season with new eyes. Winter is so beautiful and quiet and serene and rather than closing my eyes really, really tight and holding my breathe till it passes, I'm going in with eyes wide open. I'm excited for the season of hibernation and slow growth. Did I just say excited? Why, yes, yes I did!

How does that look? Lots of small changes around the house. I'm so excited about them all and I'll be doing lots of little posts about them this month. When Christmas came down, winter went up, and an attitude of embracing filled me to the brim. Take a peek at some of my inspiration- check out my 'A Warm And Cozy Winter' Pinterest board....

So, have you picked your word of 2015? Maybe you should. I'd love for you to share your word with me and tell me why it's important to you this year. Penny for your thoughts..........

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