Monday, March 16, 2015

Here I Go Again {my depression journey}

Last week, I announced this little blogs one year anniversary and I got so many wonderful comments from y'all. Someone asked about my depression journey and since I'm currently struggling with that, I thought I'd answer that question today.



If you've been around here for a while, you know that I struggle with depression. It is always there, but sometimes I overcome, sometimes not. I know that there are lots of you out there that will totally get where I'm coming from, I know that I'm not alone. I suffer seasonally also, the worst being in the winter. Even though I planned and planned starting way back last fall, how to actively derail my winter depression, the beast still arrived. I am hugely grateful that it showed up late this year. I noticed about four weeks ago, that something was changing inside of me and that I felt heavy and not so joy-filled any more. It's subtle, each day a little darker than the one before, the struggle harder each day to fake that you're okay to family and friends. Finally, the struggle is too great, and there's no way to hide it.



So what do my days look like? Stagnate. All desire to refresh our home- gone. It's still full on winter here and will be until this fog  lifts. I go into survival mode, only doing enough laundry so we're not roaming the streets naked, cooking sad, barely passable meals {not even sure you can call them meals}, no  baking to speak of, as little cleaning as I can get by with. Life as I know it, vanishes


I'm so grateful to have daughters that are so capable and can pitch in and fill in the gaps. They can both cook and bake and clean and help out with laundry, such a gift. I'm grateful for friends that meet me right where I am, right in the middle of my mess. They invite me out, somewhere, anywhere, and it really helps to get out of the house because this house is a constant reminder that somethings not right. Y'all , it's kind of a mess around here and getting out is such a good thing for me and these kiddos. It's so comforting to be loved by others, it really is.



So life looks hugely different right now, but it's okay. I know that this is only a season, and in this season of survival mode, my eyes are opened to what is really necessary and what's most important. Without all the busyness of fluffing this nest, crafting away and entertaining others, I can be quiet and prayerful, meditative, enjoy long walks, those things that often fall by the wayside in regular times. Spending more time without distractions with my kids is another perk. Yes, even in darkness, there are perks. My focus shifts during depression but that's not necessarily a bad thing, for there's a season for all things



I guess I'm learning to be grateful in the midst of the darkness. So life looks different, does it matter, not really. It's just different. So our house isn't picture perfect, big whoop, so we eat lots of scrambled eggs and toast, for  dinner,  so I'm wearing dirty socks and haven't changed the sheets on our bed in like 
f-o-r-e-v-e-r, so I wear mostly yoga pants {aka, glorified pajama bottoms} everywhere I go, does it really matter, nope, I don't think it does. 



The good news is, I think I'm making my way toward the end, I can feel little moments of joy peeking through, little bursts of happiness. It'll be gone soon, whew! And in case you're wondering what these pictures have to do with my depression, absolutely nothing, these are just a few of the things that are making me smile right now, so I thought they fit in nicely. 

Bless your heart if you suffer too, you're not alone. Is your house a mess? Are you eating grits for dinner every night while wearing dirty socks? Welcome friend, welcome, this is a place of understanding. 

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32 comments:

  1. You're the best!! I'm so thankful for your helpful girls. It's Denise, not Asher. I don't know how to sign him out, just being real too!

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    1. I'm so happy you couldn't figure out to sign him out. Made me smile so big when I saw his name! Smiles are an awesome gift right now, thank you.

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  2. I think your pictures are perfect. They represent growth, new beginnings, time passage. They were excellent choices, and are validated by the fact that you feel you're approaching the end of this season.

    Hang in there.

    Joy comes in the morning.

    :o)

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    1. You are so right and I didn't even see it. That's exactly why those pictures of our surroundings right now at this very moment make me happy! You're wonderful............. how much do you charge per hour for therapy????? ;)

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  3. *giggle*
    You're too, too sweet!!!

    I'm struggling to find words today, so your compliment helps! Thank you!!!

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  4. We have talked about this often and as always I am here for you whenever you want to get out. The sun and warm weather yesterday and today should go a long way with helping.
    Love you friend,
    Diane

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    1. I know you are right there and lunch out last week was perfection! Thank you for always being there! Love you too!

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  5. I so know what you are going through. I love you!

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    1. Oh Erin, I hate to hear that you know how I feel. It's so stinky isn't it? I'm only a PM away, and hey, even better, you know where I live, that means you can come by and we'll encourage one another! Love you too!

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  6. I'm so sorry you suffer with depression. I have been through severe postpartum depression 3 times : (. My oldest daughter is on her 2nd pregnancy and has depression while pregnant. I have several family members who also have it also. Your friends will save you! And for me I can say that I made it through each time and I'm so thankful! I'm thankful you are writing about it and I like the way you express what you are going through. If you can find one thing to smile about each day you will make it! Big hugs to you! : )

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    1. Cindy Lou, bless your sweet heart. I only struggled with postpartum depression with my last pregnancy, and it was the darkest place I've ever been in. I'm so sorry you suffered so many times. I am learning to find joy even in the darkness and that has made this time a little easier than the rest. Thank you so much for stopping by today and for the 'hug'!

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  7. God Bless you. You are in my prayers. Things WILL be better tomorrow.

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    1. Thank you Terri. Prayers are the greatest gift!

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  8. Oh Amy, depression is so hard. It seems to be even worse when our husbands try to fix our problem. I have learned to listen to music. It's funny, but my husband sees me with my headphones on when he gets home from work, and he knows to just let me alone so I can just absorb the Christian music I'm listening to. Newsboys has this song that says joy comes in the morning. I will put you on my prayer list. Remember this too will pass. I've been reading your blog for some time now and know you have an awesome support system. My prayer to you is you wake up and joy has come!

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  9. Oh, how I know right where you are!! They have special lamps that mimic the sun and they say it really helps, or just keep bright lights on all the time. I have the same depression, but mine is in the summer, yep, that's right......the summer. I got a little blue the other day knowing that winter will end soon, and the miserable heat, humidity and bright scorching sun will arrive. That's when I am house bound with the AC on full blast!! It usually ends by the end of October when refreshing breezes and cool nights arrive. Winter is my joy!!!

    Since Christmas ended I've been on a happy high, and have enjoyed every day. Keeping busy with all indoor arts and feathering my nest. Love to walk in the snow and cook hearty meals, lunches with friends, having company, reading, etc. In the summer you will find me as a dripping, sweaty, old rag!!! The upper floor never cools off, so I spend my time on the first floor, often sleeping on the sofa. And i cry a lot...... Am on medication and that has helped a great deal, so we will see if I can tolerate summer better this year. Yes, I know right where you are.

    Know that it is a cycle, it always ends bringing a new beginning. My prayers are with you.........

    Didn't intend for this to be so long.....sorry......hugs....

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  10. When I was at my lowest, minutes felt like hours, hours like days, days like weeks etc. It was a horrible experience. I suffered terribly with anxiety and depression since I was 13, I lost my best years. It was only last year I finally got a hold on my issues.....I was 49. I have blogged a little about what helped me get me life back http://inersche.com/2015/03/13/how-i-overcame-my-depression/

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  11. I so enjoy you because you are so honest. Don't get me wrong, I love the blogs I read but so many times you think wow, is their life really that perfect??? In truth, no life is perfect. We all go through things we would not wish on others but through pain, understanding and peace can eventually come. We are all so different. Me, I love the winter, I love the evening to come sooner. I love the cold, the snow, the boots, the coats...I have never been one to be like everyone else. It's ok. Winter gives me peace and grace. It is the summer I struggle with. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for air conditioning in the heat and humid air that makes me feel like I can't breath. But as for me, I know the autumn and the winter will return and for me it is a happy thought. I pray for you and your struggles and even though we have never met I know you are a great person that sees not only your own hurt but sees others for what they are and meet them exactly where God has put them. Thank you for your honesty, it's not always easy. ~Bobbie

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  12. What a beautiful, honest, heartfelt post. You are far from alone with having depression. I don't think I'm clinically depressed...I get mild bouts here and there in the winter where I just feel sad, alone, apathetic and just generally "yucky" - especially since my oldest son passed away 5-1/2 years ago. I do have a lot of anxiety though. I try to manage it through gentle yoga, meditation and prayer, talking with friends, and getting out of the house to do something fun with either my husband or a girlfriend. Blessings to you!

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  13. Thank you for sharing this, Amy - it will be a help/inspiration for the many others who suffer this way. I had some severe bouts of depression from the age of 8 up until last year (39 years!), and the worst thing for me was the sense of isolation, coming from a society where depression isn't talked about and you are expected to "pull yourself together". Thankfully, though, each time I hit rock bottom, God seemed to send a stranger into my life to lift me back up - and I still remain very thankful for these people. You seem like you have a great circle of friends - trust in them and God and you will come out into the light again. Hugs!

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  14. Hi there! I thought of you this morning when I listened to this message from Dr. David Jeremiah. After reading your post yesterday I thought you may like this. King David also struggled with depression while running for his life hiding in a cave! I love this preacher and I love that his messages are available online for the entire month. This months are good!!
    May the Lord bless you

    http://www.davidjeremiah.org/site/radio_player.aspx?id=1631

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    1. Yolanda, thank you so much! I did not know that and I know exactly what I'll be doing tonight after I put the kids to bed. Thank you for sharing that link!

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  15. I am so sorry Amy.. Hope your feeling better now.. I will be praying for you. Depression is such a hard thing.. My 14 yr old granddaughter quit breathing and had to have cpr..She was diagnoised with junevinile diabetes. She is really having some depression since this.. The neuro doctor says that , the meds are part of it, and when she gets them regulated, it will get better.. I pray so..So hard to watch the one you love, hurt, and not know what to do.. Please know, I will add you to my prayer list..
    and you are so right.. The bible says.. Joy will come in the Morning.. What a wonderful hope that we have. With God , all things are possible.
    Also, nice that your kids can help you too..

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  16. Depression is an awful thing, but I'm glad you have such a good way of looking at it and still find joy in the everyday.

    I hope it clears soon.

    xo

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  17. Dear Amy, I am you. I too am a kindred spirit on your journey. I am one from a family who have dealt with depression in different ways. My father, hasn't dealt, my mother with alcohol and cigarettes, one sister with antidepressants, a brother working 7 days a week and myself also with a low dose antidepressant on and off over the years. So I guess you could say there is a genetic link :) I have been blessed with an understanding and tolerant hubby, 3 awesome, now adult, children. Whilst to those on the outside you appear to be fine and dandy, there are many days when all you desperately want is to stay home in your cocoon and not have to pretend. At this very point in our lives, my hubby and I are dealing with job loss and worry about our financial future. This is the first time my hubby has been out of work in his 64 years and whilst I have picked up a couple of cleaning jobs, I need to find more. It is stressing me out big time, the doubt about our future. One part of my head tells me it is vitally important to stay fit and well at least, but the dark part says I can't find the energy or incentive. So sorry to rave on, you know what I am trying to explain. Looking for money saving blogs was how I found you. I love your home and style. It is just my thing :) I send you the very best wishes and warm regards as you make your way through this "season". Thank you for sharing your story. May your lovely family always wrap their arms around you and keep you safe. God bless. From an Aussie mate. xo

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    1. G'day and welcome Deidre! I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering too and to be suffering in the midst of other obstacles, well, it can feel like you are drowning. I know that battle between the 'light part' and 'dark part' within my own head so well. The light says to get out there and exercise while the 'dark' says what's the point, you don't deserve anything good anyway. It is war within, no doubt. I'm happy you are here and know that you are not alone! And don't ever feel that you are 'raving on' here, you are among friends and talking about it always helps. Hugs to you.

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    2. Hi Amy,
      I came upon your blog through Nancy in her "living large in small places" feature. Your home is so cozy and warm looking...the d├ęcor is so pretty. I am sorry to hear of your depression....just remember you are not alone. Jesus is always walking beside you. Remember the God on the mountain is still God in the valley! Stay strong and you do deserve happiness and peace of mind. Jesus wants that for you. Go for it no matter how difficult it seems to move when you feel you don't want to. There is always Joy in the Morning!! I will add you to my prayer list. God bless you and your family.
      Hugs to you ,
      Diane@babiesbridesandlavender

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  18. Hi Amy,

    I haven't commented in a while but I just wanted to say hello and thank you for sharing so honestly about your struggles. I am praying for you......PRAISE GOD.....it is now SPRING. I know that doesn't instantly change your situation BUT sunny days and all the beauty that comes with this new season will hopefully start lifting your fog away. I have anxiety and it manifests in different ways.....but when it is heightened.....oh my......I also go into a survival mode.....I completely understand. I am miles apart and just know your from blogging.....but you are my sister in CHRIST........and I want you to know it is an honor to pray for you.
    "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him and he delivers them." Psalm 34:7 This is a comfort verse to me and I hope it is for you, too! xoxo

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  19. Visiting from Nancy's A Joyful Cottage and before I even read her feature on you I clicked over because I love the name of your blog! I don't suffer from depression but I sympathize with you because I do have the occasional dark day. I think it is wonderful that you shared your journey with all of us...I think that helps to break through and go on. Your pictures are lovely and make me envious that you get to be around all that fresh nature and animals all the time! Going back now to read about your sweet little home!

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  20. Thank you for contributing to Motivation Monday!

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  21. Hi!

    I enjoyed your article and will be featuring it this week on Happy and Blessed Home's Family Fun Friday. Thanks for sharing. :)

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    1. Thank you so much Christen and what an honor! Happy Easter!

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When y'all leave comments, my heart just swells! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

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